"THE DELICATE DANCE OF GUILT AND JOY..."

a few saturdays ago i picked up big mama's book, sparkly green earrings and read the whole thing by that evening.  as she explains motherhood with her sense of humor and honesty, i found myself wishing i had a highlighter handy. but maybe it's a good thing i didn't since i would have underlined most of the book. 
(fyi- the kindle version is temporarily free here)

while nothing compares to rereading the book in its entirety,
here are just a few of the nuggets i want to remember from sparkly green earrings
(all quotes by melanie shankle):

Sometimes I regret that I didn't enjoy more in the moment, but isn't that the way motherhood goes? Looking back, the sweetest things are often the hardest things. They teach you a level of sacrifice you didn't know you were capable of, and for me, having a child was the beginning of a glimpse into the kind of love Christ has for us. Sacrificial love. Love hat doesn't keep score. Love that isn't dependent on what's in it for me. Love that is consuming and protective and unconditional. These are the early moments that bond us forever.

God gives us these raw, little people, and we have to form them and mold them and teach them how to operate in society. And if we get a glimpse of all the ugliness that lies right beneath our own polished surface? Well, then, there's a humbling lesson too. It's those moments when I realize I have to extend grace as they figure these things out by trial and error in the same way God lavishes me with mercy, even as I make the same mistakes over and over.

They aren't going to get it right every time, but neither are we. Our job as mothers is to do the best we can to teach our children that life is better and friendships are richer when we treat others with kindness, when we remember to share, and when we use nice words. To remember that every person we come in contact with may have a few cracks in their hearts even if we can't see them and that love is always the best response.

Only the reality of doing something every day prepares you for what it's really like. some days I got it right, and some days I didn't. some days I think i've got it all figured out, and some days i'm sure i must be the most incompetent person to ever attempt this job. But I'm thankful that if I'm going to spend my days with someone who ignores half of what I say and acts like she knows better than I do, it's my daughter. 

I can't give perfection, because I'm fresh out. that's where the grace of God enters, and I exit quietly through the back door, allowing him to fill in the gaps. I have to face who I really am and what i'm equipped to do versus the person I sometimes like to fantasize I am. 

Nothing survives when it's being smothered. Life, real life, requires being free to move about it the great big ocean, not being cradled in little hot hands that will stifle independence and creativity. We can't keep our crabs (kids) in a bucket and expect them to go far in life. The problem is that our hearts are so intertwined with our little crabs' hearts that we don't know where theirs begin and ours end. And it's so hard to let go.

Raising a child is a fleeting moment in time that sometimes gets swallowed up in the daily routine of car pools and soccer practice and can I get away with serving tacos for dinner again tonight? It's the daily balance of treasuring the moments even as we wish some of them away. It's treading water in a sea of imperfections. It's a delicate dance of guilt and joy.

 i am thankful for these moments.